Non- attachment & family - giving the people we love the freedom to be who they are...

"Upadana" (Non-attachment) is one of the corner-stones of our mindfulness meditation practice. (and in yoga too, actually.) In many classes you may hear something about 'non-attachment' or ‘letting go’. It makes sense when we talk about stopping smoking, not getting annoyed in traffic, or letting go of our busy mind on a yoga mat. But how do we practice non-attachment or letting go in our close relationships? How do we practice non-attachment with our spouse / partner or children?

Very often the concept of “non-attachment” is misunderstood, especially when it comes to family and friends. Even many Buddhists get it wrong. I've heard of and read many stories where either the husband or wife has become involved with Zen or Buddhism and the other partner is dismayed because he or she has become 'cold' or distant, seemingly indifferent, a few even giving up on the relationship in order to perfect their practice. Some practitioners believe practicing non-attachment means taking a step backwards, not feeling so intensely, or not loving as much.

But that’s not right.

The purpose of non-attachment or letting go is not to love people less or abandon our families or friends.

So what is it then?

As always, when working with the idea of non-attachment, we just have to take a quick look again at what attachment actually is.

"Upadana" - attachment - is translated as fuel or fire. "A material cause which is the source for keeping an active process energised." In other words, something which keeps the fire of our habit energy going. Maybe this doesn't make so much sense now, but read through to the end as I explain:

It's often very tricky to tell the difference between the attachment and the love aspect of our relationships. Love is open, kind, flexible and wanting the best for that person. Attachment is described as having a clingy, sticky, tight, inflexible quality. Can you picture that? That picture of sticky-clingy probably doesn't feel very loving or open-hearted right from the get-go. Because it isn't.

We have a tendency to want to tell the people closest to us what to do. Especially in our parental role or as a partner, where we feel we have the right to tell people what they should be doing or not doing because we think it is good for them.

Sometimes attachment pretends to be love or a good intention. Maybe, initially, we are very enthusiastic and want to share what we feel is so good for ourself with those we love. Of course I want my partner to be healthy and happy, so I try my best to introduce yoga, make lots of green juice while I push for a detox or argue that meditation is better than watching Netflix.

Attachment would be me pushing my partner to do all those good things, even though I know deep down it wouldn't make him very happy to go to yoga or to not watch TV (his method of meditation) I might say it's because I feel it’s right; it’s good for him. But if I look carefully, I will see that it's actually more because it makes me feel happy or safe to have him healthy - for me.

That's not love. That's self-protection, or me pushing what I think is right onto someone else. In my family we have a saying when one of us pushes the other into a no-win situation based on ego: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be friends?"

Working with non-attachment means learning to recognise (and then untangle) all that clingy, sticky attachment habit action from our relationships and loving more unconditionally. It's not about caring less or feeling indifferent. We remain fully involved, but try our best not to worry too much about the outcome, the results. Not pushing so hard to fit the other into an idea we have of how it should be.

Love, by the way, as defined by Buddhism is "the wish for that other person to be happy." Note: wishing that OTHER person to be happy. Not that other person keeping us happy and safe so we will keep loving them.

So how do we know when attachment is happening rather than love or compassion? Because we stop feeling so relaxed about it. There’s an inner tension.

Disappointment only comes from attachment. Stop reading now and have a little think about that.

Even though we all know that everyone needs to follow their own wishes and has to follow their own path or karma, we often feel discouraged or irritated or even angry when people close to us behave in a way we think they shouldn’t. That's our attachment: someone isn't doing what we think they should be doing. I don't mean we should stop fulfilling our role as a parent or caring for the well-being of our partner and friends. But perhaps making healthy food for our family or teaching our children what they need to know has a slightly different energy to it than us telling them what to do?

As I read in a Kadampa newsletter this week: "Consider the idea that some people will “get” us, listen to our wise words of counsel or follow our fantastic example, and there are others who just don’t and probably never will. And all power to them. Why should they?"

In a nutshell, practicing non-attachment with family and close friends means giving the people we love the freedom to be who they are without wanting them to be any different. Without pushing them into the mould we think they should fit into.

On a practical level, how do we know when attachment is happening? Well, when you sense yourself not feeling quite so relaxed about what your partner, child or friend is doing because it doesn't fit in with your picture of expectations, take a pause and take your attention to that inner tension.

When you feel that coming up, pay attention. It may not be immediately obvious what it is, not even to yourself; but when you look carefully you may notice that feeling of becoming discouraged or disappointed because you can't control the people you feel some responsibility for - they are not doing what you want - whatever that is.

A Tibetan heart-mind training text says: “People are mysterious, unfathomable—like divinities: natural objects for reverence. But our habits of thought turn the people around us into objects, the means for our self-protection – and projection. Meditate on those with whom you are closely connected. Often our family is the most intense field of projection: we mistake wife, husband, child for our own narrow, accustomed thoughts of them, and for that reason, family can provoke great suffering. But family can act as the richest vehicle for spiritual practice."

Maybe we can decide to practice "just letting them be", mentally speaking, and just appreciate everyone around us unconditionally.

Two last notes:

The first one is that I hold a very personal and firm belief that we should all and always think about what we read. Look at things carefully, evaluate it, see what comes up in your own mind and whether these ideas resonate and / or have personal relevance for you. What is right for one person may not be right for another. In this age of information glut, it becomes more and more important to be discerning about what we take in. :)

Secondly - and the last note: if this resonates with you, and you're a yogi too: maybe you want to take this concept of attachment one step further for your weekly thought:

"If I extend this concept to myself, practice also just letting myself be, just appreciating myself for what I am in this moment, not to worry too much, how does that feel?" Then you can get a glimpse of what it means when we say: "Allow yourself to come to the mat, just as you are."

See how that goes. :)